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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.