🔗 Share this article Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again. Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost. Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know. The psychotherapist practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.